I finally finished writing a personal reply to all of them. People keep inquiring how I am so I thought I would post again on WebCT. I'm getting by. Everything is hard for me, everyday is a struggle. I take it one day at a time and try not to look more than a week ahead.
People may be wondering about some of the things I written in my emails, maybe they seemed harsh, excessively depressing or unbelievable. Nonetheless they were 100% true. I've always been completely honest in all my dealings with my classmates throughout the program.
For instance it is true that all my close male blood relatives have died sudden deaths over the last 10-15 years and it has no doubt affected me. My dad died while I was in middle school of a probable heart attack while playing squash on his lunch break, he was 42. His father died less than a year later. My mom says seeing his son go before him took away his will to live. My mom's only brother died a few thanksgivings back of carbon monoxide poisoning. It was an accidental death. My other grandfather had been sick for a few years. He was on oxygen constantly. His standard of living was not so good. Yet I just had dinner with him during the break several times and he seemed fine. My mom said he didn't want to live anymore either. He had put "Do not resuscitate" in his file and had been making an elaborate list of who should get all his stuff. Needless to say as the last of my line, I ordered one of those will kits recently.
Changing the subject, I hope everyone enjoyed Rick Mischel, the CEO of Mainframe Entertainment's talk. I thought he had a great message and that it would benefit the entire class to hear it. I saw him speak downtown and because I have problems I helped Matt and Mikio secure him for their clubs. What can I say, I'm sick.
Seriously, I've always believed in honesty and treating people with respect. It's how I was taught to live my life. And as for passion, I told Troy during the Core, "That people without passion were wasting their lives." Perhaps my greatest passion is music. I've always turned to it over the last ten years when I've had hard times. I realize now that I've probably been depressed several times in the past and wasn't willing to admit it. If I don't have my guitar, or my cds, or my iPod I still have the songs in my head. But needless to say, I've been playing a lot of guitar over the last two plus months. I can show you my calluses.
I still don't understand everything that has happened to me. I'm far from over it. I don't know if I will ever get over it. I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to email me. I have a hard time talking about this stuff in person or on the phone. Even with the drugs I can still get emotional, so email is more than ever my primary means of communicating with people. It has its limits and this can cause problems and lead to misunderstandings sometimes, but some things are easier to say when you can compose your message in private.
Respectfully,
PS I almost didn't have a quotation, here is one from my man,
Oscar Wilde:
"I like men with a future and women with a past."
PPS I've never used my dad's death as an excuse and my current problems are nobody's fault but my own.